“The category is a Grand Canyon of echoes…” - Duke Ellington
We have evolved as a species that survives best in herds, tribes, groups, and villages. When conditions force us to make quick evaluations to maintain safety, put food in our bellies, or ensure we have enough, it is far more expedient to make quick judgements on who we can trust to work with us to maintain our safety and comfort. Who is on our “side” and who are we struggling against? Since as individuals we are nuanced, unique, and complex creatures it can be difficult and take more time than most of us have to understand the core values of the people we encounter in our lives, we take short cuts. We use labels and, unfortunately, once a label is affixed to someone we often do not look beyond it. We then use it to sort people into categories with the ultimate goal of defining who is an “us” and who is a “them”. Unfortunately, we take these over simplifications, these short cuts to human interaction and imbue them with significant power. We assume that these labels we wear mean exactly the same thing to the other people who have also chosen them and we will defend, at times literally to the death, someone who wears that same label while causing harm to others who do not. I was lucky enough to learn fairly early in my life that the assumption that I share the same core values and beliefs with people who wear the same label with which I was born was clearly false. In the end it led me to a place where I shed that original label and was, in a way, obligated to choose another.
So many of the labels we carry around with us are fixed from birth and we feel unable to escape them. We are branded permanently on the surface and we will encounter many who never look deeper. It is a unique and rare experience to transition from one way of being categorized by others to another. In my case it came when I transitioned from the Christian faith I grew up in and believed with sincerity to how I identify myself today, as an atheist. I found that with most of the people I knew well who deeply understood my core values and beliefs there was little change in my feelings of acceptance and belonging. For some it changed what that label meant to them, for some I became an anomaly, accepted as an individual but not for that belief, and for a smaller few, their perception of me, changed, even though I had not. In those few cases fear entered, walls were erected, and any chance of vulnerability and real human connection dissipated. I became other. Not one of us. Progress halted and any potential good we could have accomplished together out of the still shared values and vast acreage of common ground ceased.
Thanks to this experience, whenever possible I do my best to avoid labeling myself when I meet new people. Not out of fear, or out of shame, but because I recognize the power I have to change perceptions if first people know me, then learn the labels. It is a privilege that many do not have. I hope by helping make cracks in those fixed perceptions that people carry I can help those who carry labels that they cannot hide, be seen. As a thought experiment I will tell you some of the categories I fall under and let yourself experience the assumptions you might make when meeting someone for the first time and hearing these basic human descriptors. I am in my mid-forties, single, never been married, never had children, never owned a home, no pets, never had a significant other, and I live alone. Explore what assumptions you are making right now about my level of happiness, quality of life, mental health, and level of success based on these descriptions. Whatever those assumptions are, unless you settled on happy, fulfilled, loving and loved, they probably are not true. It is thanks to my profound level of “aloneness” in my life’s journey and my inability to mold myself into belonging with any one group or person that I have had the opportunity to explore the profound vulnerability of finding connection in unknown, unfamiliar, undefined places. Because I have not had the comfort and safety that comes with belonging in one place or with one group, my adaptation has been to be more open, find common ground, and recognize the threads that connect us all. I find connection more easily and everywhere, in a way that is resilient and can withstand change. This has been a profound gift that has enriched my life beyond measure. I would not change my story but I know because it is such a different path than most people choose it is a challenge for some to see my story as a happy one, to see the things we have in common, to consider me anything other than an “other” who challenges their comfort level and world view. When this happens, even if we have some common values, or a shared goal, fear comes in and divides us and diminishes the power we could have to enact positive change if we were united.
It is this reliance on categories, this need to over simplify our human interactions that is causing a major stumbling block to what should be the next evolutionary step of our species. We have the capacity to produce enough, to adapt, to find sustainable ways of living, to ensure that all members of our species are cared for, housed, and fed and that we are maintaining a healthy sustainable planet, but first we have to want to. We have to see the common threads that bind us and recognize that protecting and preserving a global version of “us” is the only path to accomplishing this. We can start small. In America we are more united than we realize on the issue of gun control but our loyalty to the political labels we wear keep us from hearing that we actually agree. Good, kind people are choosing loyalty to a label, to a name, to a “team” at the expense of their actual core values because they are afraid to release the crutch these shared categories provide and look deeper. We need to find the courage to approach new relationships with vulnerability and without short cuts. To trust that with most people we will be able to find common ground as long as both parties are willing to try. Me must hope that as long as we remain open we can become a more connected and more caring global community.
As an atheist, I do not expect you to take this on faith. I know it is possible. I have both experienced and witnessed people moving past labels, letting go of assumptions, and letting go of their fear to reach across borders, boundaries, and divisions to experience our common humanity. It just takes two people who are willing, and then two more. In time, the complex Venn diagram we have created to “simplify” our interactions by adding category on top of category, line over line, will be seen clearly for what it is, an unnecessary, divisive mess. People talk about human nature as if it is a fixed thing that we cannot struggle against but all living creatures evolve and change as a response to external environmental factors that necessitate change. Certain traits become more useful to survive and thrive and over time those traits become fundamental to the species. I believe we are at a place where that change is necessary for our survival. There are people out there everyday showcasing the beautiful, inclusive, accepting possibilities that come with basic human nature. Even though the news cycle creates a different narrative, I believe they are the majority. The more open, accepting, safe spaces we cultivate in our lives the more it will resonate. Start at home, tell good positive stories about your fellow humans, seek those stories out for yourself, find people willing to speak, and listen in order to find common ground. Cultivate open, inclusive, connection in your life. Make it a fundamental part of your human nature. Start at home, at work, start now.
Currently working as a Research Associate, Sara has Bachelor’s degrees in Biology and Music from UCSC and SJSU respectively as well as a Master’s in Music from University of Northern Colorado.
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