LAWS FOR LIVING FULLY - Chance Taureau
During my sophomore year of high school I lived with my aikido sensei in Salem, Oregon. I’d moved around quite a bit throughout my youth but hadn’t found my way off the reservation (my mom is Native American and my dad was white) until this time. You could say my childhood was not ideal, and towards the end of a two-year run of pretty serious issues I'd created for myself, my dad decided to help me with an opportunity to live as an Uchi-deshi (live-in student) with my sensei.
I'd been doing aikido, a Japanese style of martial arts, for a while at this point. Dad had been going to an amazing dojo he'd found through an ad in the paper, and now he drove me about 45 minutes to go to classes.
I really lived the whole “martial arts” way of life. My class schedule ran six days a week. I went on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings, and my morning classes were on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. Most evenings after classes, the students and the sensei would go out for pizza (this was back when I loved pizza and actually ate it). I was submerged in this subculture. I loved it, soaking up everything I could.
This was my first experience living with someone who wasn't "family." My sensei lived in a way that was different from my previous experiences with anyone else in my life. This was obvious through virtually everything about him—the way he spoke, how he held himself, and how he looked at you when you talked to him. And it wasn't just the way he spoke. It was the specific words he chose as well. His manner of being had a deep impact on me, yet it wasn’t overt at the time.
This phenomenon happens all the time with people in our lives. Each person serves as our teacher, showing us how to be, and also how not to be. At this point in my life, I really wanted to emulate my sensei. I respected this man, so I paid even closer attention to how he behaved.
He was a kind man, and yet he was direct. He rarely gave out much acknowledgement or “atta-boys.” It just wasn’t his way, and this could’ve been an expression of his culture. I indirectly learned that approval-seeking behavior didn’t work. I didn’t try to create transactions around pleasing him and then expecting something in return. It didn’t work that way in this world, and it didn't do me any good to kiss up to him. This was an important teaching that became a value for me.
My girlfriend’s sister had a boyfriend, Troy. We became friends, and he eventually started going to my dojo. In many ways we were inseparable and eventually Troy was my homie, my best friend.
Troy’s girlfriend and I weren’t such closed friends. At one point she called me a prairie [n-word]. If I asked a question, sometimes she would respond, why don't you go out and starve yourself for a few days to find the answer? Needless to say, I hated her. In the tenth-grade, I had a tenth-grade mind, and probably because of the environment I grew up in, I approached this situation in a pretty immature fashion. In response to her taunting, I became insulting and crude. Being a jerk wasn’t pretty, and I learned how inelegant I could be.
My good buddy Troy wasn’t cool with any of this, and he let me know it, with the same tenth-grade boy version of immaturity. He defended her and came to her side, regardless of whether she was right or wrong. Looking back now that makes sense to me.
It was a shit show. This feud, of course, could only be settled with violence. It was a “we’d-settle-it-with-a-fight-after school-by-the-flagpole” sort of thing. I never thought that I could do any real damage to my friend physically. He was a much bigger guy, more experienced, and he just plain had a bigger fight within himself. That didn’t stop me from convincing myself it was the best thing to do. Now, it certainly had to happen, even if it was a horrible idea.
Troy looked like a cross between the Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure version of Keanu Reeves and the Hulk. In other words, he was a big, skater-looking guy. You’ve probably seen the type. People called him "Skater Boy Troy."
Troy and his girlfriend had tarnished my honor, and I totally felt I was in the right. The whole thing seemed so clear to me, but looking back, my imagination was definitely limited in scope. From what I had learned throughout life up until then, this was the way an argument was supposed to unfold.
The situation, not surprisingly, made its way to our sensei, and I figured that it was simply a matter of gaining his blessing.
He and I talked about it, and he was clear and direct.
”If you and Troy go forward with a physical altercation of any kind, you both will be kicked out of the dojo,” he said.
What? I thought. I was shocked. More than shocked, I thought I would have a meltdown. What was I to do with myself? I came up against a stark reality of competing ideas. I knew I needed deep inquiry to sort through it. I lost sleep. I was horribly torn.
My philosophical views were at a crossroads. (It was actually more like a six level stack interchange.) I wasn’t sure what road to take.
What unfolded was wonderful. I realized that my desire to belong to the group meant I had to live by the code. It was the way of the community.
Troy and I had some healthy distance for a while. We both continued to do classes at the dojo. As time went on our differences melted away to reveal what was truly important to us. Our friendship.
My mission in life is to raise the consciousness of the world through connection, teaching, and authenticity. I have a vision for how I want to impact the planet and continue to work and live my life in a way that aligns with my vision. I’m really big on living deeply, soulfully, and staying awake.
I recently started working on a list of rules. In order for a person to experience life to its fullest, I think it’s important we know what rules we are consciously or unconsciously using to guide our actions.
For the longest time I shied away from lists with titles like, 12 Simple Steps and Laws of Life, etc. I’d often thought of those books with lists and steps as rote and shallow. At this point I can admit: I’ve been wrong. I guess I thought, How could it really be that easy? I know now that, for me, organization and repetition are the main ways that I learn. I also know this is true for many people.
I’ll also admit: I’m the lawbreaking, rebellious type. I have a tendency to be against anything that sounds like rules, lists, or laws.
Throughout my life I was exposed to many different groups and communities besides that dojo. Each of those different groups all had basic rules they subscribed to that provided shape for the way they lived their communal and personal lives. Some groups had clear, overt rules and others more subliminal. Some of these groups were positive, good-hearted ones, and some were a bit questionable. And some weren’t questionable at all, they were downright wrong. Again, I don’t think I’m odd here, I think everyone is exposed to a spectrum of groups.
I’ve come to understand that this is how I came up with the code I use to live my life. Some came from the martial arts community, others came from groups and organizations that I’ve belonged to. It’s worth deep consideration: What kind of groups have you chosen to be a part of? What environments do they create? How have these groups spurred adaptation to your values and code?
Those rules and constructs in my life were developed from a range of groups across the spectrum from positive to negative. They’ve been imprinted in my mind and soul, forming my own unique stamp. With review, I can see what no longer serves me, what could be discarded. I can also see what could be held and cherished.
I work on my list and get clearer on my “code” so that I can have a standard by which I measure my life. Is my path in life aligned with my overarching philosophy? Are my goals aligned with my lifestyle choices?
One thing is perfectly clear. You could say a high priority on my list of rules is this—connection is more important than egotistical exercises. When at all possible, choose connection.
Troy and I are friends to this day.
Chance Taureau owns Taureau Consulting, a private practice with a mission to assist individuals find deeper, clearer understandings of themselves and their choices. He is also a Certified Full Leader and Trainer for The Mankind Project International. He has worked with thousands of individuals from a diverse range of backgrounds toward results-driven change. His other passions include teaching intercultural literacy, peace building, and developing programs and serving organizations for Armed Service Veterans with the great hope of helping them integrate back into society and share their gifts, beauty, and brilliance with their communities. In his free time he loves to travel and pursue greater levels of fitness. He's an avid indoorsman and could probably bench press you.
