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Dear Dolly Mama,
I’d like a course in spirituality for dummies. Something I could read in about 45 minutes that would last a whole lifetime. Simple. Clear. Doable. Reasonable. Something to talk about at cocktail parties and thanksgiving dinner. I resemble the New Yorker cartoon that has one woman saying to another over cocktails, “I always wanted to be the kind of person who would like to walk the Appalachian Trail.”
Any ideas? I don’t like to read things that have more than five ideas in them.
Most people use the rule of three. Given how important this project is to me and my whole life, I am going to the rule of five.
Efficient Dummy
Dear Efficient Dummy,
To become a truly spiritual person takes a whole lifetime. You try, you fail. You try again. That being said, if you try and fail at these five points, below, at least weekly, and develop the capacity of self-correction and self-soothing over time, you will be well on the road. Not the Appalachian Trail which is much too short compared to a spiritual path. But more like it than not. Then you will also stop bragging at cocktail parties. You might even stop bragging.
1. ‘Sola Fide, Sola Gratia.” Martin Luther’s brand and slogan and elevator speech all tied up in one. It means only faith, only grace. Put your resume on the shelf where it belongs. Live by grace, not by accomplishment. Live by faith, not by your” proven” track record. Live beyond proof.
2. “The true purpose of life is to Love God and Enjoy God forever.” This is theologian John Calvin’s idea of a good time. If you are having fun finding a spiritual path, great. If not, quit. Fun, enjoyment, pleasure, which erupts in praise of God, is the true metric of spirituality.
3. Ban the word should. Every time you say it act like you were cursing. Pay a nickel to the sin box. Insert the words, may, might, or, could. Give permission to yourself to exit at the blame lane. Then give permission to others and help them exit at the blame lane. No shame, no blame, no should. There should never be any shoulds on the spiritual path. Grin.
4. Ban right and wrong thinking. Take the stick out of your back pocket and throw it out. Stop hitting yourself and others. Read Rumi, who invited you to stop sticking yourself and to move to the field “beyond right and wrong.” Don’t try for the right spirituality, the right God, the right way, and above all avoid the religious RIGHT. Get into the clearing. Rumi and “room” will meet you there. Although I must say, Dummy, you have extraordinary self-regard.
5. Join Pope Francis on the road to ecological integrity. Read the whole Laudate Si, which means PRAISE BE. Ordain your pet. Give sacraments to your flowers. Watch a carrot grow. Baptize your favorite coffee cup. Become a socialist. Turn off your lights and fans with respect for every ounce of energy they used and gave to you. Never waste water. Refuse to mow your lawn on behalf of the native people on your land. See what happens the third year in terms of wildflowers. Join a carpool. Give someone you don’t like a smile. Flower wildly.
Dear Dolly Mama,
There are 365 passages in the Bible that tell us to fear not. They use different language but there is no question that the Bible is an anti-fear, pro-calm book.
How can I be a Christian or spiritual person and also be so anxious? What’s wrong with me?Or is it even me? How do I become calmer precisely as the world outside my door – and even inside my heart – scares me so very much?
Scared
Dear Scared,
I hear you. Fear and its friend anxiety are biblical no no’s. And yet if your heart hasn’t fluttered recently out of respect for reality, you just aren’t paying attention.
My next-door neighbor is very hard of hearing. Very hard of hearing. I love the language all by itself. Hearing is hard for him. So, when I suggested I was going to bring some tomatoes over to him, he thought I meant he should follow me into the house and get some of my fresh-picked tomatoes. He marched right into the kitchen and said hi to my granddaughter, her mothers, my husband, all of whom rate a 100% on the no contact anxiety scale during the virus. They all looked at me as though I had committed a crime, and I had certainly violated the pod’s norms. Gary, my neighbor, took the tomatoes and was about to sit down when I pinched my granddaughter so she would start screaming.
I was definitely out of biblical compliance. I am sure my fine will show up soon, the way tickets show up if you drive too fast in a school district in Manhattan. A few days later, the summons appears. The eye of the secret camera knows all, sees all, records all. When it comes to fear and anxiety, it just chips away at your heart and blood pressure all the time, causing internal damage that your doctor calls “stress.” You pay a lot for fear. It’s not just the ticket for going too fast, although that ticket is a useful spiritual barometer as well.
Anyway, if you want to lean more towards the Bible’s wisdom, here’s a way. Make a fear budget. Ten minutes charged against every hour. That gives you 240 minutes a day, especially if you are also paying the bill of insomnia already. Think of it as a reverse tithe. Instead of giving 10% of your life to something good, you only give 10% of your life to something bad.
Then make another budget. Look at all the time you have saved for pursuits of a more biblical nature. Fifty minutes an hour! Sleep. Praise. Fun. Swimming. Exercise. Cooking. Working. Working on your actual budget. Cleaning out your closet. Praying for more peace. Making love. Laughing. Reading. Tithing.
Over time you could even have a savings account, which could turn into enough shalom and security that you could actually begin to imagine salvation. All those words come from the same root.
Practice not being afraid so hard that you actually perform in the Carnegie Hall of calm.
Who is the Dolly Mama?
The Dolly Mama is a spiritual version of Dear Abby. Her intention is to combine the irreverence of Dolly Parton with the surrender and non-attachment beloved by Buddhists. She wants to let go of what can’t be fixed – in either self or others – and fix what can by applying the balm of humor.
She is a spiritual handyperson, a soul mechanic, a repairer of broken appliances. Every now and then the combination of letting go and hanging on achieves sufficient balance for an improvement in spiritual posture, stronger spine, and personal peace. The Dolly Mama is not her day job. By day, she works as an ordained United Church of Christ and American Baptist pastor of a regular, if edgy, congregation.